I miss him.

I used to wake up every morning thinking about him, wondering what he was doing and if he was thinking about me. I would sit up in bed and talk to him about my plans for the day, and ask for his advice on the things I couldn't figure out. He was a good listener, never interrupting me with his own ideas or opinions. He let me cry it out when I needed, without thinking less of me. He would bring me little gifts- like freshly made coffee, warm towels, or some little thing I had admired somewhere else. He introduced me to people that he knew I would enjoy. He reassurred me when I was scared, prying my fears from my fingertips and replacing them with loving kisses... relaxation, faith, security, pure love.

Eventually, of course I cheated on him. I got distracted and started focusing on other things....temptations. I turned my back, calling him a little less and telling him very little when we spoke. I hid from him. I started to believe that I did not need a relationship to define myself. I could work things out on my own. That he did not understand me, or the people I loved. I knew he could never forgive me.

Now I miss him and know that none of my doubts are true. I miss feeling my heart full of love and joy from spending time with him and enjoying the delights of our relationship. He gave me the meaning of my life. Now, I want it back. Should I call on him?

today

I am thankful for pumpkin spice lattes, staff members that laugh with you, being able to agree to disagree, warm hugs, smiles, and another day to try to get it right.

I am walking the 5k Memory Walk for Alzheimers this weekend. Followed by the company kickball tournament. Then Amy's daughter J's fourth birthday party.

I took J to the movie for the first time ever this weekend. We saw "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs". As usual, the book for better :) It was great to see the world through a child's eyes. She was riveted to her seat with her little popcorn in her lap. The perfect little almost four year old. She was eating her popcorn, looking at the huge screen, and drinking her bug juice. Every once in awhile she leaned over and whispered, "I love you!" Isn't that how we are supposed to respond when God presents us with a wonderful gift and adventure?

Us

Something I am aware of today..... the world today is all about I, me, my, mine. We, us, ours, together.... not so much.

thankful Thursday/Friday

Today I am thankful for urgent care (damn infections again), the time George still has left in his schedule after nursing school and work, Life cereal, and foot massages.

Journey vs Destination

I have a fortune cookie message that urges me to remember that life is about the journey not the destination. I often receive fortune cookies that relate to something that I am struggling with. I am not going to be cynical and believe that they are not just for me. Anyways, I received this message about the journey versus the destination and recognized immediately that this is a problem for me. I am a goal driven person, it is always about the end game- accomplishments, completed projects, etc. This is one of the reasons that I am not crafty, do not do home improvement projects, and do not torture myself with lengthy recipes. As a Christian I can often focus on the destination too much. In doing so, I realize that I miss life at times. I miss building the loving relationships and serving Christ in my day to day situations. Savoring the experience. That is what I am trying to say. Savoring the experience of life. How can I be more savory? I can practice mindfulness activities, more meditation and prayer, gratitude. I will continue to search for more ideas.

Today I am grateful for: competent and caring medical staff, a patient husband to love and care for me when I am not being a good patient, and the opportunity for George to go to school and work.

Thankful Tuesday

Today I am thankful for friends that will make you lunch and make you laugh (when you really don't want to eat or smile), soft sheets, my husband-the human hot water bottle, new beginnings, Anna's sweet smile, paid bills, and God's love.