Searching for something...

I have found that one way to prevent slipping into depression is to always have something fun to look forward to. I don't have that right now. My new car payment has kicked in, which has definitely dampened my spirits. I am enjoying the car though, no problems in this snow at all. All of our vehicles have been licensed and registered (no cheap accomplishment). I am so grateful for that. But what to look forward to? I would love to have lots of friends over often to drink wine and talk. Alas, I am not comfortable because my house is so small. What to do? I don't have money to travel, and I do want to take Anna to Disney World soon. I don't want to talk about dieting. Ugh! Very depressing.

I would look forward to Valentine's Day, but George and I don't really fall into the Hallmark trap with that kind of stuff. So, I'm searching. What to do that is affordable?? And fun?

I want to have a "Crazy Love" small group, but no takers. Maybe I should trick my sisters into doing it with me. It will be hard for the back biting crapola to take over when we are talking about love for the Lord!

We'll see what 2010 brings... I can't wait to see.

I love Christmas!

We had a potluck at work today. Our building is so large that we had different stations in different areas, and a decorating competition between offices. My group of offices did not win, but we had an honorable mention! Our decor was... "the day after Christmas". We had old wrapping paper, boxes, bows, tinsel, tissue, and presents thrown around the room. Very fun. It is also fun when you spend your free time making food for a potluck, and everyone loves your food so you don't have to bring it home. I love that. I made to Acuff family recipes- italian beef and blueberry jello with cream cheese topping. Yummy. And people fought over it.

I am glad it is the weekend. Four more presents to buy and I am done. And three of those are gift cards for teenagers.

Good news- paid property and sales taxes. We are now driving legally in the vehicles and have tags for new one.

Now I am on the hunt for a tortilla soup recipe.... yummy.

I love...

Kathy Griffin... she cracks me up.
Quiet holidays when I can spend the whole day with my family in our pajamas (thanksgiving, Christmas).
Laptops.
Warm sheets.
Weather that is holiday appropriate.
My Kindle
Delicious reading
My new brown shoes
barEssentials mineral make up
KJ
Anna
George
great friends
Soft tissues
Laughing with friends
Back rubs
Clean bathrooms
Hot baths
Good movies
God- thank you for loving me no matter what.

Christmas is coming...like a freight train.

I am really annoyed that Christmas marketing started on November 1. I do not want to hear Christmas music on November 1. No matter how much I love it. I want time to enjoy my cornucopia and to plan Christmas festivities. I feel like it was shoved on us all of the sudden. Which is not what Christmas is about at all. I really want to focus more on that this year than ever before. Christmas is not about stuff/things/posessions. I would honestly not exchange gifts with anyone if I could get away with it. There are darling children, nieces, and nephews to buy for this year (at least 10 in the KC area). The family list can go on and on and on. Where does it stop?

Anna goes to the dollar store every year to pick out something special for everyone on her list. It is hilarious what she comes out with, and for whom. It is a great new tradition that we will try to keep as long as she is young at heart and wants to continue it. She gives with the carefree spirit that I wish I had. I worry so much over each gift.

We have a December scripture reading schedule that helps us to stay on track. I want to focus on family time and do more affordable activities/movies/etc. Maybe that is what my December bloggings will be about. Back to the basics of Christmas. Back to the joy of Christmas.

New car?

I am usually not sucked in by sales people. Having sold Mary Kay successfully, I can recognize a sales routine from two feet away. I am usually able to cut right through the crap and tell them no or ask for the exact deal that I want. Well.... not this time. I went with my sister as 'moral support' as she was car shopping. We were in the market for a new'er' car for me, so that Geo could drive my current car (that is killing my back but is otherwise awesome), so that KJ then could drive the truck. We did not have a serious plan- so many things going on including the holidays.

Then I saw the line of crossover vehicles that I have been eyeing. And then the salesman got me. He saw what I was looking for, and promised it to me on a platter. I did not ask the many questions that I should have. I did not take a day to think it through. I did pray about it, but am not sure that I was silent enough to hear God's voice. My stomach was queasy, as it usually is when we are making major financial decisions. I asked George for guidance (write it down people), and he sincerely stated, "If it is what you want, then let's get it." Where is my scrooge when I need him????

Seriously, I like my new car, but I keep looking at it like, "Really?" I am not as excited as I should be because of the freaking car payment. We will make it through, as we always do. I am not sure what to think of my mixed blessing right now. I'll let you know in January when the reality of it all will sink in.

PS- My sister has yet to purchase a car.

Welcome November!

I am cold. I forgot how uncomfortable this. If I make it to Chicago next week (God willing) I will be even more cold.

reading

My closet excitement today.... looking forward to the new Twilight movie with my Anna banana. She is so funny, and is excited about the wolves. Truth be told, I would probably go to movie if I didn't have a little girl. I love the fantasy and the love story. I read the story from Edward's perspective Midnight Sun (I think that is the title?)- now that is the true love story between them. Anyhow, I agree that those books are light, delicious reading.

Now, a whole vampire genre has opened up. That and historical romances. I did not prefer them in the past. My tastes have changed during the last months due to 1.) needing a light, non trauma or abuse related topic that can be resolved-- the opposite of work. 2.) I really like the history channel, so romantic romance novels seem to be a compromise at least.

While my reading selections have been dumbed down right now, I am thoroughly enjoying the change. Reading really is such a wonderful gift from God.

What a wonderful scene... light snow drifting outside, fire on the inside, great blanket on the couch, pumpkin spice coffee, and a delicious book in my hand. Ahhhh!

Sometimes help is not helpful. Sounds ungrateful eh? However, this is a statement from one of my close consumer as provider friends. The statement is meant to describe the scenario when people who have good intentions try to decide what is best for someone else (based upon their own ethics, thoughts, beliefs, passions, culture, etc.), and then try to force it upon the other person.

Other than that.... I love crisp, cool, clean air and carrot juice (so yummy). I also laughed at least once per hour today at work. It was a good day.

I do have referral that I need to pray about, involving youth and gang activity. I hate to get scared away from helping someone, but sometimes I have to weigh the risks for my own personal safety. I may just have to find another way to help. God, please make a way!

music makes life better

Thankful for my faithful laptop, five minutes alone with my husband, true friends, and good music that fills you up until you feel like you are going to burst.

I miss him.

I used to wake up every morning thinking about him, wondering what he was doing and if he was thinking about me. I would sit up in bed and talk to him about my plans for the day, and ask for his advice on the things I couldn't figure out. He was a good listener, never interrupting me with his own ideas or opinions. He let me cry it out when I needed, without thinking less of me. He would bring me little gifts- like freshly made coffee, warm towels, or some little thing I had admired somewhere else. He introduced me to people that he knew I would enjoy. He reassurred me when I was scared, prying my fears from my fingertips and replacing them with loving kisses... relaxation, faith, security, pure love.

Eventually, of course I cheated on him. I got distracted and started focusing on other things....temptations. I turned my back, calling him a little less and telling him very little when we spoke. I hid from him. I started to believe that I did not need a relationship to define myself. I could work things out on my own. That he did not understand me, or the people I loved. I knew he could never forgive me.

Now I miss him and know that none of my doubts are true. I miss feeling my heart full of love and joy from spending time with him and enjoying the delights of our relationship. He gave me the meaning of my life. Now, I want it back. Should I call on him?

today

I am thankful for pumpkin spice lattes, staff members that laugh with you, being able to agree to disagree, warm hugs, smiles, and another day to try to get it right.

I am walking the 5k Memory Walk for Alzheimers this weekend. Followed by the company kickball tournament. Then Amy's daughter J's fourth birthday party.

I took J to the movie for the first time ever this weekend. We saw "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs". As usual, the book for better :) It was great to see the world through a child's eyes. She was riveted to her seat with her little popcorn in her lap. The perfect little almost four year old. She was eating her popcorn, looking at the huge screen, and drinking her bug juice. Every once in awhile she leaned over and whispered, "I love you!" Isn't that how we are supposed to respond when God presents us with a wonderful gift and adventure?

Us

Something I am aware of today..... the world today is all about I, me, my, mine. We, us, ours, together.... not so much.

thankful Thursday/Friday

Today I am thankful for urgent care (damn infections again), the time George still has left in his schedule after nursing school and work, Life cereal, and foot massages.

Journey vs Destination

I have a fortune cookie message that urges me to remember that life is about the journey not the destination. I often receive fortune cookies that relate to something that I am struggling with. I am not going to be cynical and believe that they are not just for me. Anyways, I received this message about the journey versus the destination and recognized immediately that this is a problem for me. I am a goal driven person, it is always about the end game- accomplishments, completed projects, etc. This is one of the reasons that I am not crafty, do not do home improvement projects, and do not torture myself with lengthy recipes. As a Christian I can often focus on the destination too much. In doing so, I realize that I miss life at times. I miss building the loving relationships and serving Christ in my day to day situations. Savoring the experience. That is what I am trying to say. Savoring the experience of life. How can I be more savory? I can practice mindfulness activities, more meditation and prayer, gratitude. I will continue to search for more ideas.

Today I am grateful for: competent and caring medical staff, a patient husband to love and care for me when I am not being a good patient, and the opportunity for George to go to school and work.

Thankful Tuesday

Today I am thankful for friends that will make you lunch and make you laugh (when you really don't want to eat or smile), soft sheets, my husband-the human hot water bottle, new beginnings, Anna's sweet smile, paid bills, and God's love.

Thankful

Today I am thankful for fourth grade teachers, the internet, heating pads, and friends who answer my calls and listen to me cry whenever I need them. It's a sad list right now, but very true.

fourth grade

I remember 4th grade. I love my teacher- Mrs. Laughlin. She was in her thirties, blond hair styled in a bob. I loved Mrs. Laughlin so much, I worked really hard not to disappoint her. She would get this tone in her voice that would form a lump in my throat, it upset me so. But when she smiled and laughed... It was a much better day.

It was also the first year I really started thinking about 'divorce'. Mrs. Laughlin was in the middle of a divorce, I heard the other teachers and my mother talking about it. She cried sometimes, but otherwise she held it together better than I would've.

Mrs. Laughlin taught me to make no bake cookies. Our class read some story that referenced them. A group of us were give the task of following the recipe and making the batter on a hot plate in the back of the room (good old days). Well, we were not exactly working as a group and I don't think anyone read the recipe. Before you know it, chocolate was burning and sticking to the pan and we were pointing fingers at each other. Mrs. Laughlin was across the room working with a slower reading group. The more advanced readers were in the back of the room, not reading the recipe. She yelled across the room, "What is going on back there?" Dead silence. Then, "Etta are you all following the recipe?" My response was, "I was fixin' to read it..." She said, "Fixin to is not good enough." Horrors! I cried in front of my classmates.

So many good memories with her though. It was impossible for me to learn times tables and most of my classmates learned them in third grade. She took the time to explain them to me and encourage me all the way. She was very earnest in her praise. I hope she knows how much she meant to all of us.

Today was Anna's first day of fourth grade. I hope she has a Mrs. Laughlin too.

So, of course I had to confront the person that sent me the bitchy-toned email. It turns out that she was in a rush and did not intend the tone. I'm not really sure about that, but there was also some truth to the information in it. All in all, we both feel better.

I have been getting testing on my heart the last few days. First, it really sucks to get medical testing because you do not get to be in charge of your own body. I went to a great facility, so the equipment was state of the art with the best of the best staff. I don't really like it when people I do not know touch me. I do not like needles at all. I am reminded how much of a control freak I really am. So, who knows what the results will be. I'm hoping for good news.

Either way, I am planning to start blogging about the changes I am making in my lifestyle to improve my health. Seeing my heart on the big flat screen with all of the fat pressed around it was very frightening.

We'll see what happens next!

I recently received an email that was so bitchy, my face started to sting as if the slap was truly physical. Of course, then I cried. Worse yet- I was at work so I had to get it together. Man, electronic communication can be a trip

I am thankful for good friends that live in Atlanta, hugs from those friends, people with bright blue eyes, clean bathtubs, and painted toenails.

I expel any helpless feeling that I harbor that prevents me from effecting change.

gmitchell1314 sent you a video: "Time To Say Goodbye Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman.flv"

I can't get this song out of my head. This was the song that the Bellagio's fountains were playing during my last Vegas visit. It was so beautifully choreographed that I cried. This song just makes my heart happy. Music has such an impact on mood. Okay, so I last heard it as one of the UFC fighters came to the octagon with it last night-Akiyama. Brilliant choice!

Time To Say Goodbye Andrea Bocelli and Sarah Brightman.flv
© 2009 YouTube, LLC 901 Cherry Ave, San Bruno, CA 94066

parenting

The more experience I have, the more I have to learn.

This is me and my honey in Chicago today. I love Chicago in the summer. There is so much to do, the weather was fantastic- sunny with a nice breeze from the Lake. Last night we went to see the fireworks on the Navy base here. I got a little choked up. The bandstand played all of the patriotic music, and they talked about soldiers across the world who would rather be home but they are out there serving their country and us. They dedicated the fireworks to those soldiers. The fireworks were beautiful!! They went on for quite awhile. I also enjoyed being on a military base again. I was raised on a military base, so I am used to clean lawns, having soldiers around, everyone calling me "ma'am", and being around people with a sense of honor and respect for authority. I felt safe there.

We went to the "Taste of Chicago" and tried foods from all of the famous restaurants in Chicago. They also had a 'foodie section' with gourmet food freshly prepared in white tents. It was fantastic!!

KJ decided to stay at home with his friends for this vacation. It is very odd to be here without him. But I am doing okay with it. I only cried twice. He is an adult now, and I don't want to make him go on vacation to Chicago if he doesn't want to. I just wish that he wanted to. But we are having a ball. Tomorrow.... Six Flags!!!!!!

I have been having a lot of back problems, and had to start taking pain meds from the nine hour drive here, and then all of the walking in Chicago. I am hoping that this will pass soon. I hate to be in pain, and I really don't like to struggle to physically keep up with my family. The last thing I want is to rely on pain meds to get me through the day. I don't want to end up on "Intervention" :-)

I haven't posted for awhile, so I am ramling on... more later.

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Summer

I haven't posted for while. Summer and reading are getting in the way of my blogging and facebooking. I can only imagine what my life would be like if I lived in a place where swimming was possible year round. Sunny! I have been having a rough time at work recently. I have been adjusting to changes, and adjusting to changes, and adjusting to changes for about... ohh... a year. I have a new co-worker that drives me crazy. Every time he opens his mouth I want to smack him or say sarcastically, "Really?!!" I don't want to go around talking about him, but at this point I need to start a support group for me and my other co-workers.

I have had some challenging supervisors in my past. Some that wanted to play all day and were exasperated when the work wasn't being done ("I know, let's go antique shopping!"). One that just did not like me or my 'young, fresh ideas'-but taught me how to follow the rules (or at least pretend really well that I was) and document, document, document. One that would purposely hold back information so that we all had to depend on her, but would stand behind you like nobody's business. And... now I have a grandmother. She is easily confused, wants to befriend us all, and doesn't really want to commit to any course of action. On the other hand, she totally understands when I freak out about things like "George is having a biopsy" or "Anna is sick". The scary thing (other than talking about my supervisor on a public blog.. duh.) is that I don't always have the guidance that I need to do my job well. I'm not sure what to do about that. I have a license to protect and a code of ethics to follow. I like her well enough as a person. I need a real mentor to grow though. I think I need to just stop going over it and leave it with God.

I am thankful it is summer, overwhelmed by the love of my friends, happy that I have several pools in my community and a daughter that loves to swim, and a healthy son that is drug free and loves the Lord. Oh! And two unopened bottles of my favorite wine. Woohoo!

Cousins and family

My brother Tim, sister in law FaDonn (who was my very best friend as soon as she married my brother), my niece Mariah, and nephew Andre came to visit for Mother's Day. Six of my mother's children were in one place with her. Amazingly, the earth did not crack open and swallow us, no one was arrested, and only a few people got drunk. Tim and fam stayed for a few days. We went to dinner, play putt putt, hung out. It was fun to spend that much time with family. By Wednesday I was exhausted. I learned an important lesson- there really are aspects that I love of each person, and I can be with them and observe the craziness without taking part in it. Woohoo! It took me about thirty years to figure out. I love my grown up nieces and nephews the most. They are hilarious! I like to listen to their wild stories and their experiences with my brothers and sisters as parents. My nephew Andre has my brother Tim's sense of humor- quick and sarcastic. Mariah has her mother's voice and my sense of synicism.

I am enjoying being a part of a big family for the first time in a long time (if ever). We are not calling each other every day and seeing each other every other week. However, I wish good things for all of them. That's a wonderful start.

Above there are pics of my mother and her six children- (back row) David, Tim, Davena, Howard. (front row) Sherri, Mom- Twila Faye, and me. The next picture includes all of the beautiful cousins in attendance. 10 cousins are missing from the photo. The next photo shows me and my little family.

More to share later.

Grateful

My friend posted this and it hit me right in the gut. Truth....


There are moments in life where one can only stand amazed at the good fortune that surrounds us, and say thank you to the Powers that Be. I'm at one of those times. Yesterday, I almost lost one of my very good friends. But I didn't. Yesterday, I had forgotten to look at the clouds and see what a blessing they are because they hold rain. Today, I am thankful for their shade. Yesterday, blue purple green insert your favorite color- looked different than today. Yesterday, life meant cleaning the house and doing laundry to get ready for graduation, and even though I believe the world is always a beautiful place, today there is a gentleness and fragility to the whole thing that makes me profoundly grateful to have the opportunity to be here.

In the past month, I have seen amazing music with the most incredible group of friends I could ever imagine having; finished my Master's degree; gotten a whole new hair thing going on; eaten chocolate; hooped in the rain; cooked tacos. I have hugged my children, my Sistah's, the people dancing across the aisles at the Dead whose names I don't even know... and I have been hugged back. I have made love, gotten pissed off and gotten over it, been nervous, been confident, been graceful, been clumsy, been exhausted, been energetic... I HAVE BEEN ALIVE.

It's not about the big things. It's not about the little things. It's about everything. It all matters. Love, vision, wisdom, beauty, grace, strength, and fierce compassion... these things carry me on my journey, and I wish them all to you on yours. May you wallow in the ecstacy of being alive.

Okay, so I am back from my wonderful vacation with my fantastic husband. This is one of the few pictures we took. We just weren't in the mood to take pictures this trip. This picture is with one of the waitresses at the minus 5 degrees club we went to. It is literally made of ice (bar, tables, walls, etc.) and is less that -5 degrees inside. We wore coats and drank from glasses made of ice. It was hilarious. You know I don't like to be cold but we had so much fun. We had a picture taken inside- I will post that later. Anyways, before you get mad at George, I asked for this picture. She was so cute in her little fur outfit. The customer service we experienced during our entire trip was fanastic!! I love good customer service, and am a good tipper. My mother raised us on tips from bartending and waitressing- both very hard jobs. I like to remember that when I tip people. They may have nine hungry mouths to feed at home. So... the customer service was wonderful on Frontier airlines ( I wholeheartedly recommend them!), at our hotel the MGM. We also spent time in the Bellagio, Caesar's Palace (HUGE), New York New York, Excalibur, Luxor and this picture was taken at the Mandalay Bay. We walked our feet off and lost some weight in the process. It was great!

All in all, I won about $90 playing my little slot machines. We also viewed a new television show scheduled to start this fall and gave our feedback. We were paid for our time and had fun being 'tv critics'. We are wierd and had nerdy fun doing this.

I will post more later- I need another nap to try to adjust to the time and lifestyle change.

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stay in the moment

I like to look forward to things: events, birthdays, new challenges. In doing so, I often miss the opportunity to enjoy today. So, today I enjoy my laptop, bringing out the summer clothes and shoes for the wardrobe shift, listening to Anna, and folding warm and clean laundry. I am so thankful for good friends that listen and do not judge, for big squeezing hugs, and the card I received from a client on Friday reminding me that my work makes a difference.

Today, Anna told me that her foot hurt. I said, 'Whaaaat?' mock surprised because something always hurts on that girl. She said, "I know, right?" She kills me.

KJ is looking forward to graduation. He completed his FAFSA and sent it to the correct school. About to put the grad announcements in the mail, and am planning his graduation party for May 30. I am enjoying my last days of mothering a minor.

Duct tape

A sight like this is not such an unusual occurrence where I work, but this cracked me up. Sometimes all you need is some duct tape to fix almost anything that is broken. In this instance, it was the whole side of this person's car. Or it could be the window to your house, or hold you computer chair together. You just never know. Maybe duct tape will be our generation's "aluminum foil". Probably not. I am in Wichita KS today at a training. Packing for this trip reminded me that I have way too many things that plug in. My phone needs to be charged, as does my Kindle, IPOD, and laptop. Sheesh. Of course I don't 'need' all of these things. But I sure like them a lot.

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Bowling

This is a picture of me and my siblings: Davena, David, and Sherri. It is a rare, one of a kind occurence. Anna wanted to do something with her cousins for her birthday. We went bowling. So, my little brother David (not so little anymore) came with his daughter and two sons, my little sister Davena (not so little) came with her five children, and my older sister Sherri can with her daughter Shania. Mia and Terrance are grown and making their own babies now. I have pictures of all of the 'cousins' on my other phone. To take the picture Anna yelled out "Cousins! Everyone say cheese!" It wasn't so bad. My brother Howard has been up to visit a few times. My brother Tim is coming up from North Carolina next month. You never know, you might see a picture of six out of seven remaining siblings soon. Oh! and my mother. But she is not talking to me much these days. Loooooooooonnnnngggg story, for later. FYI: All three of them beat me at bowling.

twit

I don't get the twitter thing. I am usually all over the latest electronic device/technology. However, I do not want to know what other people are thinking via instant message all day long. I have a job people! Nevertheless, I am experimenting with twitter. We will see if I become smitten with it. I check into facebook about every other day, and I always see something that makes me smile. I love checking in with friends from far away or friends from long ago.

Aruba

Will, one of my great friends, went to Aruba this month (see picture above). This is just one of the many pictures I will be enjoying from his trip. I will definitely have to go get into some trouble there one day soon. Until then- Vegas here I come in 12 days! I am thinking breakfast in bed, massages, and a show. You never know- I may win a million $ too. Can I do that playing $10 blackjack?

It has taken about twelve years, but I have finally fallen out of love with Oprah. She gets on my nerves. Ok, I still record her show and watch the good parts. I still have O magazine and love to read it. And I listen to Oprah radio on my satellite in the car. She's a hard habit to break.

Oprah started to get on my nerves with the "New Earth" new agey stuff. Now I just don't get that loving feeling when I see her anymore. I'm not going to break up with her over it, we will get through this phase.

Book addiction

Hi, My name is Etta and I am addicted to books. I haven't really watched tv in two weeks. I feel clueless about the news, who shot who, and what the President said yesterday. It is great! Of course, I won't keep it up. I have still watched the Biggest Loser on the DVR. And my fav show "In Treatment" is starting up again so I will watch that too. So, I have shifted to a more 'mindful watching' mode. I choose what I want to watch, watch it, fast forward through commercials, and then turn it off. No more noise. I didn't realize how much noise tv creates.

Back to my addition, I have been reading vampire books. Not the Twilight series- I read those a year ago and liked them. But the Charlaine Harris "Sookie Stackhouse" series. They are a little on the slutty side. But the characters are so interesting, and I can't really predict what is going to happen next! I inhaled 8 books in a little over a week. I had no control whatsoever. Now I am sad. I miss the characters. I usually don't re-read the same books over and over. There have only been a few in my lifetime that I have been able to completely re-read. Well, because I love these characters I have re-read the entire series. Oh yeah, and as I get older I find myself re-reading some books because I don't remember them! Ha! It's a whole new world of reading :)

Now I am on the hunt for a new book again. I read a few samples of Anne Rice. Whoa! Evil stuff. She is the Toni Morrison of vampire books. I needed a map and a character list to get through the few chapters I read. I think I will go back and read Edgar Sawtelle.

Count down

6 days until my little sunshine Anna turns 9. 24 Days until my Vegas vacation (God willing). 48 days until my little KJ turns 18. 54 days until my monster KJ graduates from high school. Today... I do not want to go to an Easter Egg hunt. But I will go because it will make Anna happy. So, I need to get up and take a shower and go. Then I will go to a 17 year old kid's house to do a mental health assessment. Then I will come home and write it (probably not... procrastination). Then back to reading books on my Kindle. YAY! I love my Kindle. It holds all of my books, I can switch back and forth. My Bible is on it too. It is well worth the money. I can't think about it too long, or I will not get a shower and go to an Easter egg hunt. I will stay in my robe, read, and drink coffee until I have to go to work. I can do plenty of that when my kids are grown, right?

Today I am so grateful for good books, coffee, cartoons, Anna's teachers, clean yummy water, and Gail's tendency to buy me silly putty and other little stress relieving amusements.

Oh yeah.... now that I have had my 5 year anniversary at work, I am thinking about moving on again. Too many changes.

On with the shower, on with the show.

Work

One of my favorite people is leaving my job in a week and a half. I am so happy for her. I am trying not to ruin it with my sadness. She has been my mentor and friend for five years. When she leaves, she will complete a total change in clinical management within a year and a half. Many of those that have left were my good friends. Most of them went to work with the VA. What they hell is going on? Well, we got a new director and she had new ideas. Some people went with the new ideas. Most did not. I like the new director, and I usually like new ideas. The ones I don't like, I use this philosophy: "Suck it up girl!" Fortunately, the new director likes me, and often includes me in exciting projects. This keeps me motivated.

However, my new direct supervisor started in January. I don't get to meet with the director as much :( and it is a big adjustment to meet with this new supervisor. She is sweet and supportive. So I have to... "Suck it up".

It's all good. I am still thinking about that other job though....

The kids are on spring break this week. I wish we were going to Hawaii! Or somewhere really fun. They are enjoying sleeping in and doing very little, at least. My super supportive supervisor told me to work from home some this week to keep an eye on them. That is definitely a perk.

I made one of my staff cry today. I was very direct with her, and had to explain my expectations regarding the treatment of one consumer (meet them where they are at, not where you think they should be). I feel bad that she cried. I really do warn people when I hire them that I am pretty direct and I have a passion for consumer's rights and respectful treatment. I know that I need to work on my delivery of those messages. In fact, I need to get a lot better at fostering growth with those messages, rather than 'the smackdown'. I am involved in tearing down walls and pushing out barriers on so many movements (mental illness, equal rights, multi-culturalism) that I forget how to push softly to build up the walls.

The warm breeze on my face was heavenly today. Truly. My sheets are still soft. And I don't work for AIG. :)

Critical mama

My daughter Anna had a big marker splotch on her head this morning, which I noticed as we were heading to the car for church. I ask her what it is, she tells me it is marker (as in, duh mom it is marker). While in the car I look back at her and her little (self cut) bangs are sticking straight up. She says, "Mom the marker is gone!" She has spit on her hand and rubbed her little head- bangs and all- until it went away. I said, "I see that, now your bangs are all messed up for church!"

That stuff makes me sad. Why can't I just laugh it off and say, "I see honey! Good job." I want to be rid of this evil critical spirit!

Today I am:

1. Looking forward to Easter- Anna turns 9.
2. Glad our family spent the evening at Amy's house, and drank a little wine. Jacqueline is such a cutie.
3. KJ gave me a big hug today- not frequent from my son the senior.
4. Looking at 44 days til Vegas.
5. I slept until I woke up on my own this morning Woohoo!

Things that I love today...
1. George does not have cancer.
2. I am not in school anymore.
3. I have a new project at work.
4. My daughter is still very excited when I come home from work.
5. Starbucks is good all the time.

Rant section: I hate it when you see that someone is about to be horribly embarrassed, and you cannot do anything about it......

"I need a vacation"

George and I are finally planning a vacation just for the two of us. I feel guilty- because we don't take a lot of vacations as a family, so if we are spending money to travel we should bring the kids. However, I am getting over that guilt- and we are going away alone. Well, I am saving so we can go away alone :)

In all of our 14 years together, we have never boarded a plane and went on vacation. We have found little excursions to go on, and family roadtrips. So I am really excited. I am looking forward to massages, swimming, three gourmet dinners in a row where we look at each other and have adult conversation, and sleeping in late.

Today I am thankful for:

Friends that call me on my cell phone just to say Hi.
Soft sheets
Banana pudding
Bills that are paid in full.
My reliable car.
Warm breezes, promises of spring.
Reading other blogs.

I am sneaking off on a getaway with my husband this weekend. We are going to a large B&B. I am so excited, I cannot wait. No computer, phones, noise. Just us.

I had a good day today. I spent the first half of the day in meetings with the management. I have a blurting problem these days. The management suggests some change or other. Then there is silence. Then they look at me, because they know I usually have something to say. I open my mouth and say whatever I feel like saying. Like I don't need my job!!! So far, my feedback has been received really well and appreciated. I really like feeling like I am contributing something to my organization that may make things better for everyone. Two of my most beloved coworkers are moving on. I have learned so much from these women! I have blubbered in both of their offices, said embarassing things, been encouraging, encouraged them. As they leave, I will be second in seniority on our management team. What is the world coming to? I am happy for them. We will be okay.

On the other hand, I went to check in with my consulting job. And they offered me a job again, this time with a huge salary. It is so tempting. But I really can't go there. My work at the Dot is not over yet. And the benefit package is not as good at the other place. It is flattering to have the offers. And sad that I just can't have both!! I would welcome the challenge that each position brings.

I think February is my favorite month. Black history month, a month of love, it is short, there is a national holiday in it, and unpredictable (leap year). Plus, red is one of my favorite colors. Then there is watching my third grader wrap a shoebox with tin foil and draw hearts all over it for her Valentines. She slowly wrote her name in cursive on each Valentine. I remember those days in grade school- so much fun.

Hospitals

I am now the woman who takes care of her mother ("mom take all of those pills out of the various wal-mart sacks and put them on the counter so that I can see them.") and her children ("what are we supposed to bring for your basketball team party?"/ "are your grades going to be good enough to graduate?")

My mom was admitted to the hospital within 30 minutes of our arrival Friday. The doctor told her that she was going to die within an hour of our being there. Of course, this meant that she tried to stand up and grab her purse to go. "Fight or flight" as they say. Maybe in her case it was both. Her heartbeat is irregular and the pacemaker cannot fix it. They cannot fix it. She also has spots on her lungs that 'may be cancer'. She has smoked for 50 years and is not about to stop now.

My sisters did not like the hospital I chose to take Mom to. So, they decided not to visit her to punish me. Hence, leaving me in charge of our mother's care. I was so angry, I just cried. Our mother was not a great mother. I earnestly believe that she did the best that she could. Abortion was legal when some of us were born (out of her nine kids) but she chose to have us and raise us, mostly single handedly. This means that we do not leave our mother in the hospital and refuse to bring her clothing. She was rinsing out her underwear in the sink at the hospital. I assumed my sister (whom Mom lives with) brought her some of her things. NO. My mom was so embarassed to be 'bothering me' that she never asked for her things. So she is there at the hospital rinsing out her underwear and wearing pajama bottoms that the nurses donated her. I found all of this out at discharge, of course. My heart hurts.

She does not have a primary care doctor, because it is nearly impossible to find one that wants to take Medicaid. I literally called 12 doctors before I found one. I was hysterical on the 12th call. I think she made the appointment in an effort to get me to stop crying. Hopefully she still accepts Medicaid when we get there (smile).

I don't know why I am going into all of this. I guess because I am WORN OUT. And I hate my sisters. I am trying to give up cursing, and this is not helping!

On the bright side, I sat down to dinner today and yesterday (two days in a row!) with my seventeen year old and my eight year old and just enjoyed the meal. No one makes me laugh like my son. I have to throw my head back to let out the laughter. He is the greatest. And Anna- every day is a new day, even when the day before is really crappy. I love, love, love that about her. She still loves me with her whole heart, you know, the way that only elementary school kids do.

HA!

Did I just complain about my family complaining?? Wow. I am a mess.

Family

Okay, so my little brother (32 years old now) just moved into town. Now I have two sisters, one brother, and one mother within 5 miles of my home. Sounds good right? I can admit it, in some ways it is comforting. Anna has 9 and 1/2 cousins to play with- don't have to worry about birthday party invites. I have a few people that can hear me cry on the phone without freaking out on me. They all know how ugly I look in polyester, and how paticular I am about people touching my stuff (smile). On the other hand, I can't just enjoy their company. They actually want things from me. Visits, phone calls, advice, shopping, to borrow money, and.... to talk about each other. Now I am taking my mother to the doctor on Friday. She is not a good patient, and is not doing any of the stuff she needs to take care of her pacemaker/heart. Goodness! I have never been close to my family as an adult. They have always needed too much, with all of their drama. All of the back biting and complaining. I have chosen to join other people's families instead. For some reason, it is much easier for me to see them sniping at each other and love them anyway. I have some great families I have adopted along the way. So much love. I guess I have to go back and adopt my own now. I made lasagne for dinner for everyone yesterday. I am trying.

This is my big brother, a man that cleaned my knees when I scraped them as a child, who made me grilled cheese sandwiches and showed me how to breakdance. And this is one of the villages in Afghanistan that he patrolled. He is a career military man, and has been in for over twenty years. Special Forces so he has seen a lot over the years. I am so proud of him because he is dedicated to protecting our country at great personal sacrifice. He has been married as long as he has been in the military. If we averaged it out, he has probably been able to spend about two months per year with his wife and children. They have lived wherever the military has asked them to go, whenever they have been asked. I look at these pictures from Iraq and Afghanistan and I think, who is this grown man, and where did my brother go? His eyes are too old. It makes me sad. I love him more than he knows.

One of my best memories of my brother happened when I was in fifth grade. I was outside in our front yard, playing with a few neighbors. The girls were picking on me and calling me names. My mother heard them, threw our door open and told me to come inside. She then went on the porch and started yelling ugly things at them. Meanwhile I was sobbing in the living room- not because they had called me names, but because I knew for sure that they would never want to be my friends because my mom was cussing them out. Anyways, my brother came to the living room and surveyed the scene. He looked me straight in the eye and said, "Don't give them the satisfaction. You don't need them." and he walked out of the room. He's a man of few words. The lesson did stick with me, he and I will both cut someone out of our lives before we go through unnecessary, ugly drama repeatedly.

He does not support Obama. He has been brainwashed by the military culture. I am sure that he would be incensed to read me saying that. I am not surprised that he believes in boot strapping. He and I have both been successful at boot strapping our way out of our outrageous upbringing, to have beautiful families and careers. However, I also know that it takes a helping hand at the right time to work your way out of poverty. I think he knows it inside too. I have exclaimed to him before: "I can't believe that you grew up poor, have three black brothers and sisters, and would vote Republican!" He also married a black women and has his own beautiful mixed children. He refused to fund college for his son. He wanted his son to earn his way through and do it on his own the way that we did. I have a lot of opinions about that, the Republican party values, and this war. Whatever I think, I know that my brother is a strong man of his word, committed to his values, and is willing to die for us. He has to believe in what he believes in to do that. I have to believe in what I believe in to do the work that I do. It is amazing that we live in a world where both of our views can exist and intersect.

More meat?

Until this weekend, I could not imagine a full meal without meat. Preferably chicken, but beef was yummy too. Until I was flying down I-70, listening to my Dixie Chicks. I looked up at the truck in front of me. There, on the top half of the truck, was a little tail flipping back and forth. From the very top of the truck! As I passed the truck, I saw the various big eyes, tails, sides, etc. from the holes in the sides of the semi from top to bottom. I was horrified. The cows were stacked into the truck from the very top to the very bottom. Hurling down I-70 for God knows how long. There has to be some feces/urine situations in there. This sight actually brought tears to my eyes. How sad for those cows. Stacked in that truck. Like a slave ship. I am still sad thinking about it.

I have never had this kind of soft spot before. I recognize the importance of protein, population control, the food chain. Now that has all changed. I don't know if I can go without eating beef again. I like chili and burgers. But the sadness of the cattle, and all the animals that are treated that way. I have been changed. In my heart.

Fun!

I sent red and white roses to a friend today. She does not have a Valentine, and I thought it would be fun. And it was!! She was excited and reminded of how much she means to me. I will have to send random flowers to friends more often!

I love roses. They smell wonderful, and are just beautiful. I know it is cheesy, but I don't care.

One of my boyfriends in high school sent me my first dozen of roses. I was so surprised- there was no occasion, just because he was trying to win my heart. He always treated me like such a precious jewel-even when I did not treat myself with such care and respect. Of course this meant that I had to pay attention to all of the wrong guys, the ones that would never think to send flowers. I am thankful to be his friend to this day.

Love is expressed with much smaller things these days- fresh coffee in the pot (like magic!), warming up my car, bringing me clean underwear from the dryer (I know, sorry). The impact is the same.

I went to visit a family yesterday. They lived in a ragged apartment, with concrete floors. They had a loveseat, kitchen table and chairs, and a computer. Sheets and towels on the windows. That was it. The baby was crawling around with his onesie around his waist because he had grown out of it. I was company for them, so they made me sit at the best seat at the table, drink from their best cup, and offered the first piece of chicken straight from the pan. I was visiting a family that has so little... yet they were willing to give me the very best of what they have. It was a humbling experience. It was a reminder about being grateful for what I have, and for me to be generous in giving it away. Hospitality is something we could really practice more in our home. Everyone that comes to our home is family or really close friends, so we really expect them to serve themselves. We need to step back into our southern hospitality.

I really like talking to families- they tell you so much about themselves. I am honored to be trusted with their struggles, worst fears, best triumphs. I love my job today.

Full moon?

Is there a full moon out? Something strange is in the air right now, as there has been a crisis of some sort everyday for the last several work days. I am worn out. So far this week we have had guns, hospitals, seizures on site, homeless from the hospital, and hotlines. To top it all off, three staff were in a car accident today. Everyone was fine, except for me, because I had three times the paperwork. (I really am glad that they are ok). I am realizing today that I am getting more and more reactive. I need to practice my 'slow down' skills. Today, I have to resort to the wine drinking.

Adoration

I love watching President Obama and the first lady. He adores her. You can see it every time he looks at her. He is always reaching for her hand. He has said that she is his best friend. I like the way that she keeps him real, pokes fun at him, and doesn't follow him around like a meek lost puppy. When she stands at his side, you can see that she does so because she chooses to. I love a sharp, educated,and humorous black woman and I cannot wait to see what she will be working on during the next four years. I am sure that everything is not perfect in their marriage. The perfect marriage does not exist. However, love and affection like this keeps a 16year old marriage rock solid. Praise God!

Fortunately, I do experience this mutual adoration in my marriage. We are not as gorgeous as Michelle and Barack. However, we do look in each others eyes like this when no one else is looking, and we are best friends. I am so grateful for my sweetie-pie husband.

My heart is so full!

I am so excited for today. My entire family has taken the day off. We are at home together, making brunch, and treating today like the holiday that it is. I love Barack. He might be the first president whose picture I will hang in my home like he is one of my family (remember when people used to do that?). From the days of slavery and lynching, being turned away from restaurants and refused service,and being dismissed as real people to being the most powerful leader in the world!!! I honestly never believed it would happen. I am making sure that my children are paying attention. They really can be whatever they want to be.
I am really enjoying the news today. I am missing something.... a cup of coffee. Gotta go!

truck

P.S. He got the truck fixed. For the price of a new truck. It better run for several more years, is all I have to say.

Fear

One of my closest friends is going through a rough time. We have all been taken captive by a coward. On Thursday night a man came to her home, cut the phone lines, and attempted to break in to her home. Thankfully, he could not gain entrance the way that he tried. When she got up and flipped on lights he moved a few yards away from the home and continued to watch her. She picked up the phone to call 911 and the phone was dead. Went to use her cell and it was dead. Thank goodness she was able to plug in the cell and get help. She is trying to be brave. But a man that comes to a single woman's home, cuts her phone line, and is carrying a tote bag is not looking to steal possessions. He wats something much more valuable. We are sure that he has been watching her. If it had not been for her dog, we are sure that he would have gotten to her.

So, I went to her home to spend the night, and help her retain some semblance of normalcy (to decrease the terrorism effect). So we had a few glasses of wine, talked, checked the gun, and went to bed. She slept well knowing that I was with her, but I was up all night long listening to the creeking of her home and petting her dog. I am so thankful for her dog. I was scared to death. I am still so scared for her. She is going to sell her home, which is sad. She worked hard to rehab it, and it is her first home. At least it is a buyer's market. She will get a great new home.

Last night, George went to spend the night. Someone was prowling outside again. This is ridiculous.

We are going to the shooting range. Ladies night is free. No one should do this to another person. Pray for her.

Smiles are fantastic. Someone turned to me today and gave me the full on, showing all of their teeth smile. It was beautiful. It made me smile and feel happy. Have you noticed how much light shines in the eyes of happy people? It's wierd that the people that I know who have lost so much in 2008- pets, homes, family members, babies- they have the courage to smile full on in 2009. How could I not join in?

quiet winter

This is not my pic. I got it from another blog that I follow Ivan. I follow a lot of photographers blogs and I love, love, love them. Looking at the world from so many perspectives is so fun.

Quiet winter. I hope we have one.

Mind blowing decisions

My head hurts. I was blessed with a burst of energy this morning to take down Christmas decorations. I ended up rifling through boxes in the basement and organizing some of those things. Which, of course, led to complete overwhelm. Whose crap is that anyway!!! My husband's 1999 Ford Explorer is dead. Or might as well be. Something about timing chain... something, something $4000. Like I said. Dead. But of course, my husband wants to fix it and keep it. It is paid for, after all. Crazy!! We are not in the mood for car shopping. I think that is what it boils down to. Car shopping is draining. You have to pay full attention at all times to keep from getting completely screwed. Tomorrow is a new day. With one car working.