The Aftermath

Christmas is over for this year. I feel like 2008 was a run-away train. It went faster and faster, and out of control at times. Now it is over. Time for 2009. I am not ready. All of the signs indicate that 2009 is going to be the most challenging year yet. So many loose ends coming together. A trying schedule due to George's nursing schedule from June to June. Finances still flaky and probably coming to a head. I am off center and a little unfocused (obviously!). I am much better at challenges that have parameters and structure (like getting a degree, or walking up a hill). I know where the beginning, middle, and end are. The beginning is when I tell myself that I can do it and think of all the great benefits of having done it. I have little doubt in the beginning, fear of failure, but I decide to push through it. The middle is when I look up at how much I have left to do, I feel exhausted and panicked because I know that I am too tired to succeed. Just when I think I am going to fail, I get a second wind that says, "Get your butt up and do it. No looking back!" The end is when I reach the top, feel exhilirated and proud of myself. I think, "I can't believe I did it!" Those structured challenges are hard enough. The unruly challenges, like my bills are overwhelming me, or I wish I had a better relationship with my family, or I need to be healthy to take care of my family are much more difficult. Where is the panic middle? The elated ending? The reasons to begin the challenge in the first place? Right, these challenges I did not anticipate or sign up for necessarily.

I like the question, "What do you know that you know that you know?" I like it because of the inference that we already know/are what we need to be whole, healthy, and happy. I dislike it because it is scary to know that you can hide the truth in plain site until someone asks you about it.

I know that I know that I know that I am love. It is time to represent!

PS I love you.

Okay. I watched this movie today, for the second time today. I BAWLED. To the point where I had to start wondering, what else is going on here? What was impressed upon me is that I am not living in a way that honors everyone that I am. I believe that I have the career and husband and children that I want. I have friends that I love. I haven't loved myself. Not really. I think I am cute. But the bigger my ass gets, the more I realize how insecure I am. Today I am focusing on expressing myself in an effort to strengthen connections and liveby. This is why I have renamed my blog from Disconnetion to Connection. The words you put out there come back to you right?

I just googled myself and found this great poem instead.

About Me: Dionne-Etta Mitchell

Isolation

Uncontrollable silence piercing my soul; leaving my dreams and goals incomplete. I am feeling all of the weight of the world on my shoulders, failing to live up to everyone's expectations of me; Feeling as if I let everyone down. A never-ending state of daze and confusion; leaving me asking that infamous question: "What if?" You know that question we ask ourselves: "What if I had done this?" or "What if I had done that?"

My mind races a thousand miles a minute; always remembering past mistakes, screw ups, and foul ups. Constantly thinking if I try something new, I may find a way to screw that up too. My mind draws a complete blank to the point I begin to zone and space out to a wonder-less world of dreamless sleep; completely fading to black. Insomnia becomes my new best friend waking up in the middle of the night; staring either into the endless sky out the window, or staring blankly into the TV night after night. This isolation has me feeling as if at times that I'm suffocating; and other times so angry that I can scream, but no one hears me. Feeling as if I'm losing control and mad that I want to throw up my hands and just give up. Somehow even with this isolation that I'm feeling, and the tears I've shed, the anger and frustration I'm feeling still leaves me with the hope that I can accomplish my dreams, and to break the chains of loneliness and isolation. So how does one break the chains of isolation? In order to overcome isolation, one must have faith and believe. Never to give up! Find strength deep within yourself and believe that there is a greater power that wants you to succeed. Most importantly to help you understand that you have a purpose and plan for your life; A legacy to uphold to be an example and role model for future generations to pass on the torch! Control isolation. Don't let it control you! fully.


I love it!

HUMILITY

“What I hope I have and what I pray for is humility. Humility comes from within.

Humility says there were people before me who found the path. I’m a road builder. For those who are yet to come, I seem to be finding the path and they will be road builders. That keeps one humble. Love keeps one humble.

Being humble doesn’t mean one has to be a mat. In fact, just the opposite. What it means is, I will make myself useful, do what I can do, and be an instrument of God. I do believe that anybody who can’t be used is useless.”

- Maya Angelou

depression

Depression sneaks in to steal my joy today. Beautiful, twinkling white lights. Brightly wrapped presents. Warm cinnamon and sugar. This season is wonderful. However, I always get depressed and it always surprises me when I look up and think, "I'm really depressed!" My husband says it is the pressure of the season. Buying the presents, going to visit family at the right time. Meeting everyone's needs and expectations. I'm not at the age that I can say "Fuck that" yet. Maybe I am and I haven't given myself permission yet. Maybe when I am forty.

I just turned the tv off. I realized that it is always on- in the background. Even when I am on facebook or reading, checking out my friends or blogging. I'm not even watching it. Crazy. It just adds so much noise. Maybe I should go on another 'tv fast'. I don't think it was all that bad last time. Well, it's been three years since then. Maybe it was and I just don't remember.

I wish I was in a pool alone, floating in the middle. One of the benefits of being a big girl is that you actually don't need a floation device. You can just lay on your back and float for the most part. When you float and your ears on under the water and all is quiet or muffled, the only part of your body that is out of the water is your face. You look up into the blue sky and just breathe. Listen to your own breathe and heartbeat. I love that. It hardly ever happens because people are at the pool with me, and for some reason they don't want to be quiet (smile). I need a quiet space. The book Eat, Pray, Love makes it sound like the quiet space is inside me. My quiet space is really a cranky old, mean spirited, critical lady. When I am quiet she says, "This sucks. What about this, that, that or this that you are not worrying about. You are not good enough, and everyone knows it."