depression

Depression sneaks in to steal my joy today. Beautiful, twinkling white lights. Brightly wrapped presents. Warm cinnamon and sugar. This season is wonderful. However, I always get depressed and it always surprises me when I look up and think, "I'm really depressed!" My husband says it is the pressure of the season. Buying the presents, going to visit family at the right time. Meeting everyone's needs and expectations. I'm not at the age that I can say "Fuck that" yet. Maybe I am and I haven't given myself permission yet. Maybe when I am forty.

I just turned the tv off. I realized that it is always on- in the background. Even when I am on facebook or reading, checking out my friends or blogging. I'm not even watching it. Crazy. It just adds so much noise. Maybe I should go on another 'tv fast'. I don't think it was all that bad last time. Well, it's been three years since then. Maybe it was and I just don't remember.

I wish I was in a pool alone, floating in the middle. One of the benefits of being a big girl is that you actually don't need a floation device. You can just lay on your back and float for the most part. When you float and your ears on under the water and all is quiet or muffled, the only part of your body that is out of the water is your face. You look up into the blue sky and just breathe. Listen to your own breathe and heartbeat. I love that. It hardly ever happens because people are at the pool with me, and for some reason they don't want to be quiet (smile). I need a quiet space. The book Eat, Pray, Love makes it sound like the quiet space is inside me. My quiet space is really a cranky old, mean spirited, critical lady. When I am quiet she says, "This sucks. What about this, that, that or this that you are not worrying about. You are not good enough, and everyone knows it."