The Aftermath

Christmas is over for this year. I feel like 2008 was a run-away train. It went faster and faster, and out of control at times. Now it is over. Time for 2009. I am not ready. All of the signs indicate that 2009 is going to be the most challenging year yet. So many loose ends coming together. A trying schedule due to George's nursing schedule from June to June. Finances still flaky and probably coming to a head. I am off center and a little unfocused (obviously!). I am much better at challenges that have parameters and structure (like getting a degree, or walking up a hill). I know where the beginning, middle, and end are. The beginning is when I tell myself that I can do it and think of all the great benefits of having done it. I have little doubt in the beginning, fear of failure, but I decide to push through it. The middle is when I look up at how much I have left to do, I feel exhausted and panicked because I know that I am too tired to succeed. Just when I think I am going to fail, I get a second wind that says, "Get your butt up and do it. No looking back!" The end is when I reach the top, feel exhilirated and proud of myself. I think, "I can't believe I did it!" Those structured challenges are hard enough. The unruly challenges, like my bills are overwhelming me, or I wish I had a better relationship with my family, or I need to be healthy to take care of my family are much more difficult. Where is the panic middle? The elated ending? The reasons to begin the challenge in the first place? Right, these challenges I did not anticipate or sign up for necessarily.

I like the question, "What do you know that you know that you know?" I like it because of the inference that we already know/are what we need to be whole, healthy, and happy. I dislike it because it is scary to know that you can hide the truth in plain site until someone asks you about it.

I know that I know that I know that I am love. It is time to represent!