Here I am.

Just realized that I had abandoned my blog for 2012. This is probably good, because 2012 was one of the worst years of my life. It started out well enough. I had reached the 300 pound mark in August 2011. I started walking, writing down what I ate, and drinking my water each day. In May of 2012 I had lost 80 pounds. Great! Feeling really good inside my body. At the same time, I had really bad things happening at work that were outside of my control, and still struggling with the kids progress and setbacks. At then end of May, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. She died July 12. I wish I had spent more time with her in June. I spent time working. I talked with her on the phone more and we had important conversations that I am very thankful for. Watching her die on hospice was so intense I am still struggling with it. When I kissed her cold forehead on July 12, I was filled with so much relief for her end of suffering, sadness for her hard life and our difficult relationship, and a sense of being lost. Apparently my mother was some kind of anchor for me that I did not recognize as important. Combined this with spending time with older siblings that I do not have close relationships was wonderful and challenging. Going back to work, behind because of time off, and the same crappy scenario present made life so difficult. Then in November, my brother lost custody of his five children to the state due to his drug use- he was mom's favorite and she was absolutely an anchor for him. They are ages 1,2,4,6,and 12. I could not take them in because of my small house and husband in nursing school needing quiet studying space. Davena took all of them in, meaning she is a single mom with 8 kids in a 3 bedroom apartment. I agreed to help as much as I could- even more challenging because we have different parenting styles and her house makes me crazy. She has a lot in common with our mother, game playing and pitting people against each other. I would typically stop talking to her for a few weeks to settle down and not kill her. however, cant do that when I am helping with the kids. We cannot afford to take care of five extra kids, the state is not helping as much as they could because we are related to the kids. We are behind in our bills because of our efforts to take care of extra kids. Getting ready for Christmas was completely overwhelming. Then George needs surgery for a growth in his neck. He stopped breathing the last time he had surgery so I am completely freaked out.

In the middle of this, I stopped losing weight. I started to gain. I have not stopped the fight- I am not going back to 300. But I have crept back to the 230s (over 10 pound gain). This is freaking me out!!! Which makes me want to eat everything cause that is my ingrained way of dealing with freaking out. I feel like I have a lot going out, and not a lot feeding into me. So I am here today, looking for a stronghold for 2013. It is going to be a great one. It has to be.